in case you were wondering
i hardly know where to begin… well, seeing as this is the only ‘place’ a certain someone seems to pay attention to me i’ll do my best to break it down. i’ve accepted the way things should be a while back, but you weren’t fair to me. every time i felt okay, as if i could finally be done and move past everything, you came back. why? i said that there’s a reason we always come back to each other. i was wrong and not about the reason, but because we didn’t come back to each other. looking back, this is how things went down.
you were bored, angry over something small that you didn’t take the time to figure out with me, just ‘felt like it’, etc. and then you’d leave. sometime within the next week, maybe a little more or less, you do your thing, but then you miss me or miss what i have to offer or even only the idea of me. you leave and expect to have me sitting around and waiting for you. that’s my fault. i’m weak because i care. i mean it when i say ‘i love you’. am i perfect? no. i’ve had my fair share of mistakes, but i would never leave. if i ever did leave, i would think through my decision. i wouldn’t come and go countless times. that’s just selfish. who am i to play with someone’s emotions? i shouldn’t be expected to fight back forever when i keep being pushed away. why am i the bitch? it must be because all this time i’ve put aside all the negative in hopes of ‘oh, it’ll be different this time. i know it.’ or ‘things will be better this time.’ or ‘he’ll never leave this time.’ but holy shit fuck was i wrong. okay well i’m sorry that i get along with guys. is that so bad? most of them were your so called ‘brothers’ lol. and i lol because that’s bull shit. that’s not how you treat a ‘brother’. you don’t accuse your ‘brothers’ of half the shit you do. wouldn’t it be nice to be with a girl who can be comfortable around your friends? i would think so. i’m sorry for being such a slut (with all the sarcasm in the world). sorry i get along with guys and that i happen to be one of the couple girls who can hang out with guys and not mess around with them. hypocritical when you’re one of the many guys in a group with a couple girls. why aren’t they sluts for hanging with a group of guys (you being one of the guys)? what else is bull shit? saying you ‘love’ someone but not know what to do about someone else. even more so? leaving someone you’re in love with. selfish. fallen for someone else after me and still trying to come back? selfish. doing more for her in so little time versus everything (barely anything) that i got from you. i didn’t care. why? because i was in love with you. moving on doesn’t mean taking interest in someone a day later. if that’s the case, ‘love’ never meant shit. somehow it’s been made so easy for me to see what i’ve done right. people change (psychological fact). you’ve changed and so have i. at the very least, i think i can say i’ve changed for the better. even if i were nicer before this, i really don’t care if anyone calls me a bitch—including you, especially you actually. i’ve changed in that i don’t put up with shit i don’t want to put up with. i always wanted to look for the best, but i feel that now that aspect of my being was taken advantage of. i’m not going to stop looking for the best in people because even through all this shit, you’re still a good person (somewhere in there) in my eyes. you’ve changed though. yes, i still miss you, duh. you’ve changed though, and it’s not as if i expect you to stay the same. it’s just that you’ve changed into someone i don’t even know. so i do miss you, but i don’t miss who you are now. i don’t care who you surround yourself with or what job you work or where you go or what you do. i just thought you were stronger and better than what you’re up to now. never change yourself to fit others’ expectations. that’s just a lesser person than you are. say what you may about me if it makes you feel better about yourself. skank? slut? whore? bitch? ask me if i care. i wouldn’t even answer. i don’t deserve any of that. i know what i deserve now. different—not better. someone else treated this way could feel like a queen. me? that just leaves me feeling like crying at night. i pushed my friends away because of what you didn’t like. i would go home early because of what you didn’t like. i feel stupid. basically, you come and go as you please. then in order for you to come back i’d be on my ‘best behavior’ pretty much begging for you to come back. ridiculous (me). you should’ve stayed with that last girl. disneyland must’ve been fun. more so than your first time with me. i remember when you were so nervous to go on the rides with me. at least you felt better about it with her. but there you were right? while you made me feel bad for having a movie night with my friends i hope you had fun at disneyland. it kinda angered me (that’s an understatement) that you said ‘you can’t give me this one chance’ and so on. even through all the hurt i saw myself with you in the long run. i can’t do that to myself anymore, and especially not with the person you are now. i could care less how people look at you on the out side or how ‘bad ass’ you are. oh god, in fact i think i just cared a little less. so much for being in each others’ lives. so much for ‘i’ll always love you’. none of that means shit to you. part of me is hurt. the other part of me isn’t even surprised. for the next lucky girl (and i’m sure you already have one in mind), just keep your word and be loyal. i never left. i’m still here and always will be—just not in the same way. i’ll always love you—just not the same.
so yea this was for paul. why? cause there was something that gave it away that he checks this. no one was obligated to read so stop the shit before it starts.
